May 11

28 Weeks Later

Robert Carlyle, Rose Byrne, Jeremy Renner

Directed by Juan Carlos Fresnadillo

The gist: Six months after 28 Days Later, the zombification virus that swept Britain is declared over, but as anyone who’s ever seen a horror movie knows, that’s clearly not the case.

Studio whore quote: “It’s 28 times greater!”

Delta Farce

Larry the Cable Guy, Bill Engvall, DJ Qualls

Directed by C.B. Harding

The gist: Three blue-collar good ol’ boys are mistaken for army reservists and then are mistakenly deployed in Mexico instead of Iraq. Then things begin to get contrived.

Studio whore quote: “If you don’t love this film, then you just might be a redneck. If you do love this film, then yeah, you’re definitely a redneck.”

Georgia Rule

Lindsay Lohan, Felicity Huffman, Jane Fonda

Directed by Garry Marshall

The gist: Lohan plays an out-of-control teen sent to live with her strict grandma (Fonda) on an Idaho farm. Actual Lohan might benefit from similar treatment.

Studio whore quote: “Georgia rules!”

May 18

Captivity

Elisha Cuthbert, Daniel Gillies, Pruitt Taylor Vince

Directed by Roland Joffe

The gist: A fashion model (Cuthbert) is abducted and tortured.

Studio whore quote: “Audiences will be captivated!”

Shrek the Third

Voices of Mike Myers, Eddie Murphy, Cameron Diaz

Directed by Chris Miller

The gist: The continuing adventures of everyone’s favorite green ogre in the land of Far, Far Away, sure to be filled to the brim with fairy tale snippets and pop culture references.

Studio whore quote: “Your kids will still want the toys whether you take them to see this or not! Bwa ha ha ha!”

May 25

Bug

Ashley Judd, Harry Connick Jr., Michael Shannon

Directed by William Friedkin

Based on the disturbing stage play by Tracy Letts, this psychological thriller divided critics at Cannes last year and has been on the shelf for a while as Lionsgate devised a marketing strategy. That’s usually a bad sign, but we have high hopes for Friedkin’s return to horror and Judd’s continued return to quality acting. Reprising his stage role, Shannon plays an unhinged veteran who holes up in a seedy motel with Judd’s waitress, while both proceed to freak out. It’ll be a nice bit of darkness amid thegaudy summer sun and fun.

Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End

Johnny Depp, Orlando Bloom, Keira Knightley

Directed by Gore Verbinski

The gist: A bunch of characters from the last two films rescue the one character we care about, Captain Jack Sparrow, from the gullet of the Kraken just in time for an epic sea battle involving more factions than we can keep track of.

Studio whore quote: “Johnny Depp. Eyeliner. Just fork over your hard-earned booty. Yarrr!”

June 1

Knocked Up

Seth Rogen, Katherine Heigl, Paul Rudd

Directed by Judd Apatow

After creating a couple of critically acclaimed but woefully underwatched TV shows, writer/director Apatow finally hit box-office gold with The 40 Year-Old Virgin. This spiritual successor to the Steve Carell vehicle features much of the same cast and finally gives the hilarious, longtime Apatow regular Rogen a well-deserved shot at carrying a film. The story, which has Rogen accidentally impregnating a one-night stand, promises all the same gut-busting hilarity and unexpected poignancy that made Virgin a hit.

Mr. Brooks

Kevin Costner, William Hurt, Demi Moore, Dane Cook

Directed by Bruce A. Evans

The gist: Unassuming family man Earl Brooks (Costner) is secretly a serial killer represented by a nasty alter ego (Hurt).

Studio whore quote: “Hurt gives Costner’s best performance in years in this top-notch thriller!”

June 8

Hostel: Part II

Lauren German, Bijou Phillips, Roger Bart

Directed by Eli Roth

The gist: More hot, naïve young Americans travel to Europe to get dismembered in creative ways.

Studio whore quote: “Twice as gory as the first one—and twice as exciting!”

Ocean’s 13

George Clooney, Brad Pitt, Matt Damon, Al Pacino

Directed by Steven Soderbergh

The gist: The suave thieves return to Vegas for their third big-screen outing, reportedly to make up for the lackluster quality of Ocean’s 12.

Studio whore quote: “It’s 13 times the fun!”

Surf’s Up

Voices of Shia LaBeouf, Jon Heder, Zooey Deschanel

Directed by Ash Brannon and Chris Buck

The gist: In this animated mockumentary, it’s revealed that penguins were the first to ever plant their happy feet on surfboards, and you’ll get a behind-the-scenes look at the annual Penguin World Surfing Championship.

Studio whore quote: “It doesn’t matter if they march, dance or surf. Penguins are gold!”

June 15

Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver SurferF

Ioan Gruffudd, Jessica Alba, Michael Chiklis, Chris Evans

Directed by Tim Story

The gist: The family of superheroes faces a world-devouring villain and his cosmos-surfing herald.

Studio whore quote: “Even more fantastic than the first one!”

Nancy Drew

Emma Roberts, Rachael Leigh Cook, Max Thieriot

Directed by Andrew Fleming

The gist: The most precocious, eerily grown-up little girl this side of Dakota Fanning investigates the murder of a movie star.

Studio whore quote: “She’s like all the Hardy Boys rolled up into one!”

June 22

Evan Almighty

Steve Carell, Lauren Graham, Morgan Freeman

Directed by Tom Shadyac

The gist: With Jim Carrey uninterested in reprising his role as Bruce, Carell’s Evan Baxter is the new object of God’s attention, told to build an ark for a coming flood.

Studio whore quote: “God himself couldn’t have made a better movie!”

A Mighty Heart

Angelina Jolie, Dan Futterman

Directed by Michael Winterbottom

The gist: Jolie puts those pouty lips to good use as Mariane Pearl as she recounts the tale of the abduction of her husband, Wall Street Journal reporter Danny Pearl, kidnapped during his investigation of al Qaeda in Pakistan.

Studio whore quote: “For those of you who’ve tired of summer popcorn fluff, try something depressing instead.”

June 27

Live Free or Die Hard

Bruce Willis, Timothy Olyphant,

Directed by Len Wiseman

The gist: Willis returns one more time, sans hair and wife-beater, as supercop John McClane to take on an Internet-based terrorist. Dot-com terrorism doesn’t stand a chance!

Studio whore quote: “If you refuse to watch Die Hard movies in a post-9/11 world, the terrorists have already won!”

June 29

Ratatouille

Voices of Patton Oswalt, Ian Holm, Lou Romano

Directed by Brad Bird

The gist: Pixar’s latest (from The Incredibles director Bird) follows a Parisian rat with an unusual interest in gourmet food.

Studio whore quote: “Pixar has done it again! Ratatouille is a delight from start to finish!”

July 4

License to Wed

Robin Williams, Mandy Moore, John Krasinski

Directed by Ken Kwapis

The gist: A wacky priest (Williams) won’t let a young couple marry in his church unless they pass his special series of wacky tests. Wackiness follows.

Studio whore quote: “Williams’ funniest movie since RV!”

Transformers

Shia LaBoeuf, Megan Fox, Josh Duhamel

Directed by Michael Bay

The summer movie season is all about spectacle, and you can’t get much more spectacular than a semi-truck that transforms into a hulking robot before your very eyes. Whether you’re a fanboy who delights in the knowledge that Peter Cullen is reprising his role as Optimus Prime’s voice or a casual viewer who couldn’t tell an Autobot from a Gobot, you have to admit that that trailer looks awesome. Whatever you think of Bay, the guy knows his way around a special-effects action sequence. The question is, can Bay instill these special effects marvels with qualities that are more than meets the eye?

July 13

1408

John Cusack, Samuel L. Jackson, Mary McCormack

Directed by Mikael Hafstrom

The gist: Somehow there was a Stephen King story that had yet to be adapted into a movie, and now it comes to the big screen, with Cusack as a professional skeptic spending one night in the world’s most haunted hotel room.

Studio whore quote: “Scarier than a night in the Bates Motel! With Kathy Bates!”

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix

Daniel Radcliffe, Rupert Grint, Emma Watson

Directed by David Yates

The gist: The boy wizard and his pals are back for their fifth outing, facing off against the evil Voldemort.

Studio whore quote: “The best Potter film yet!”

July 20

Hairspray

John Travolta, Nikki Blonsky, Amanda Bynes

Directed by Adam Shankman

The gist: This remake of the 1988 John Waters film, based on the Broadway musical, sees plump teen Tracy Turnblad score a blow for equal rights by desegregating a TV dance show. Oh, and Travolta wears drag.

Studio whore quote: “Musicals are making a comeback, and this one has Travolta in drag!”

I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry

Adam Sandler, Kevin James, Jessica Biel

Directed by Dennis Dugan

The gist: Sandler and James are two firefighter buddies who enter into a sham gay marriage for insurance benefits. But they’re not really gay! And they have to pretend to be gay! The mind boggles.

Studio whore quote: “I’m totally gay for this movie!”

July 27

I Know Who Killed Me

Lindsay Lohan, Julia Ormond, Neal McDonough

Directed by Chris Sivertson

The gist: Lohan plays a teen who escapes the clutches of a serial killer only to wake up claiming that she’s her own twin. Actual Lohan might benefit from similar treatment.

Studio whore quote: “This movie is killer!”

No Reservations

Catherine Zeta Jones, Aaron Eckhart, Abigail Breslin

Directed by Scott Hicks

The gist: Zeta-Jones plays a chef who winds up being the guardian of her niece, played by Breslin. Breslin won’t eat Zeta-Jones’ cooking, but she will eat the food prepared by another handsome chef (Eckhart). Sounds like a recipe for loooove.

Studio whore quote: “She’s a hot dish; he’s a tall drink of water! Who’s hungry?”

The Simpsons Movie

Voices of Dan Castellaneta, Nancy Cartwright, Julie Kavner, Yeardley Smith

Directed by David Silverman

The Simpsons has been around for nearly 20 years now. Its iconic characters and overly familiar catchphrases have made the show a bona fide pop culture phenomenon. So why should we fork over theater prices for something we’ve been able to watch for free every Sunday for 18 seasons? The show’s creators have been stingy with plot details, but the Internet domain name simpsonsmovie.com was registered by Fox over 10 years ago. That could mean that creator Matt Groening and Co. have taken great care and time selecting a story that justifies a silver screen outing. On the other hand, it could just mean that Homer’s waistline has finally gotten too big for the TV screen.

August 3

The Bourne Ultimatum

Matt Damon, Joan Allen, Julia Stiles

Directed by Paul Greengrass

The gist: Super-cool secret agent Jason Bourne (Damon) is once again on the run from a nefarious government conspiracy.

Studio whore quote: “You’ll feel Bourne again!”

Hot Rod

Andy Samberg, Jorma Taccone, Sissy Spacek

Directed by Akiva Schaffer

The gist: SNL cast members star in this story of a stuntman who must jump 15 buses with his motorcycle in order to pay for his abusive stepdad’s heart surgery. Huh. If his stepfather’s abusive, we hope those buses are lined up back-to-front rather than side-to-side.

Studio whore quote: “I don’t understand this film’s premise either, but I’ll still buy a ticket!”

Resurrecting the Champ

Samuel L. Jackson, Josh Hartnett, Kathryn Morris

Directed by Rod Lurie

The gist: A sports reporter (Hartnett) rescues a homeless man (Jackson) who turns out to be a boxing legend believed to be dead. The title says the rest.

Studio whore quote: “Don’t you dare miss the mutha-f--kin’ resurrection or the mutha-f--kin’ champ!”

Underdog

Jason Lee (voice), Jim Belushi, Peter Dinklage

Directed by Frederik Du Chau

The gist: A whole generation has their pleasant memories of the kitschy Underdog cartoon series destroyed by this live-action version of the canine superhero starring an actual dog (voiced by Lee).

Studio whore quote: “It’s a doggone good time!”

August 8

Daddy Day Camp

Cuba Gooding Jr., Paul Rae, Lochlyn Munro

Directed by Fred Savage

The gist: This follow-up to Daddy Day Care has day care replaced by day camp and Eddie Murphy replaced by Cuba Gooding Jr.—further evidence that Cuba sold his soul to the devil for that Oscar.

Studio whore quote: “If you have any doubt about Cuba’s comedy chops, I suggest you go rent Radio!”

August 10

Becoming Jane

Anne Hathaway, James McAvoy, Julie Walters

Directed by Julian Jarrold

The gist: This loosely adapted biopic casts author Jane Austen (Hathaway) as just the sort of romantic heroine she wrote about.

Studio whore quote: “Don’t let your pride prejudice you against seeing this wonderful film!”

Bratz: The Movie

Nathalia Ramos, Janel Parrish, Logan Browning

Directed by Sean McNamara

The gist: Based on the dolls of the same name, this movie features four teenage girls who battle the evil forces of peer pressure with their abilities to accessorize, and other superficial superpowers.

Studio whore quote: “Come on! You’re going to see Transformers, and that movie’s based on toys! See Bratz, too, and we’ll be BFF!”

Rush Hour 3

Jackie Chan, Chris Tucker, Vinnie Jones

Directed by Brett Ratner

The gist: The Rush Hour cops go to France. Tucker will likely assail the French with motor-mouthed insults, and then Chan will kick their asses. U.S. audiences will eat it up like freedom fries.

Studio whore quote: “You can’t miss this movie! Do you understand the words that are comin’ outta my mouth?”

Stardust

Charlie Cox, Claire Danes, Sienna Miller

Directed by Matthew Vaughn

This is yet another film adapted from a comic book, but you won’t find any superheroes in spandex. Instead, Stardust will immerse you in a fantasy world courtesy of creators Neil Gaiman and Charles Vess (and Layer Cake director Vaughn), with a hero’s quest, a mystical maiden and an evil witch, and a mix of the fantastic and the silly that looks like it could be the second coming of The Princess Bride. Fantasy films and comic-book movies are equally common these days, but Stardust could very well transcend both genres.

August 17

Fanboys

Sam Huntington, Chris Marquette, Dan Fogler

Directed by Kyle Newman

The gist: Four geeks embark on a cross-country road trip to Skywalker Ranch, hoping to get a pre-release peak at Star Wars: Episode I. Is there any way this won’t end in tragedy?

Studio whore quote: “Not even Jar Jar could ruin this movie!”

The Invasion

Nicole Kidman, Daniel Craig, Jeremy Northam

Directed by Oliver Hirschbiegel

The gist: A modern update of Invasion of the Body Snatchers set in Washington, D.C.

Studio whore quote: “If you’re going to leave your pod for one alien-invasion thriller this year, this is it!”

Superbad

Seth Rogen, Jonah Hill, Michael Cera

Directed by Greg Mottola

The gist: Two codependent high-school seniors set out to score booze for a party and must overcome separation anxiety. Look out, Harold and Kumar!

Studio whore quote: “Don’t believe the title!”

August 24

The Comebacks

Carl Weathers, David Koechner, Matt Lawrence

Directed by Tom Brady

The gist: Inspirational sports movies get their very own parody.

Studio whore quote: “You’ll want to come back for more!”

Good Luck Chuck

Dane Cook, Jessica Alba, Dan Fogler

Directed by Mark Helfrich

The gist: After breaking the rules of spin-the-bottle by refusing to lock lips with a goth chick, Charlie (Cook) finds himself cursed. Whoever sleeps with him finds love with the next person she meets. Soon hot women are lining up to use him as a good luck charm. And this is a problem because ...?

Studio whore quote: “See this movie. Even if you don’t like it, you’ll fall in love with the next movie you see.”

August 31

Death Sentence

Kevin Bacon, Garret Hedlund, Kelly Preston

Directed by James Wan

The gist: After his family is attacked by a gang, Bacon goes vigilante, endeavoring to hunt down and kill everyone who participated in the crime. It’s like Death Wish meets Death Wish!

Studio whore quote: “Kevin Bacon is just one degree from Charles Bronson!”

Halloween

Scout Taylor-Compton, Malcolm McDowell, Tyler Mane

Directed by Rob Zombie

Yes, remakes are generally must-avoids, and horror remakes are even worse, but we are strangely excited about this re-envisioning of John Carpenter’s slasher classic from the director of House of 1,000 Corpses and The Devil’s Rejects. If there’s one thing Zombie knows it’s his horror history, and we expect nothing but reverence and responsibility from this film. We trust Zombie to give us some creative homicides as well.

Mr. Bean’s Holiday

Rowan Atkinson, Willem Dafoe

Directed by Steve Bendelack

The gist: On a trip to Cannes, Mr. Bean unwittingly (does he ever do things wittingly?) separates a son from his father and is accused of kidnapping. How will the tongue-tied Mr. Bean explain this one?

Studio whore quote: “Guaranteed to be at least the second-best Mr. Bean movie!”