Monday, April 16, 7:30 p.m.
Choose the pink ball, of course, but not because of its color or anything that it may imply, but because I’m a tad out of practice, and I know that my customary 12-pounder will strain my withering writer’s arms. I strike my studied just-left-of-center stance, ball poised under my chin. A few dainty steps, and then I drag the ball back through the air and release her barreling straight down the center of lane five, where she stays right on course ... until the very last second when she loses steam and yawns left, connecting with one measly pin. I am still holding my position, right leg swung back behind my bent left knee, my arm at my side, spent. Then, rage. “Whose idea was this?!” Oh yeah, mine.
Before I even can turn around and diffuse my disappointment with humor, I hear, “That’s because you’re number one!” Justin Jimenez holds up one finger like he wishes he had a big foam novelty one to wave at me. It’s sweet of him, but I’m crushed. Behind me are the makings of a sublime grudge match: the Weekly’s Team Hangover, featuring writers Justin Jimenez, Matthew Scott Hunter and Jack Colton, as well as calendar editor and resident rocker Aaron Thompson and LasVegasWeekly.com superstar Danielle Ryan. Reclining on the opposing couch is our competition, four gents from the Weekly’s advertising department. And they’re playing with balloon animals. Somehow they’ve also attracted a towering gent in a bucket hat and little person “Wee” Matt McCarthy, both of whom are solid players. But the tall guy has slipped on an apron stocked with colorful party balloons and is now churning out tiny orange Weiner dogs. If we lose to this motley crew I may cry.
Lest I turn into the ravenously competitive Monica Geller from Friends, I relax and try to remember why we’re here. Fun! I love bowling! This is the last preliminary round for Beacher’s Unprofessional Bowling Association (B.U.B.A.), hosted by the newly arrived Lucky Strike Lanes. And according to Chad Weiner on the microphone, Pure Management Group has even ponied up with a trip for four to visit their new Aura nightclub at the Atlantis Resort on Paradise Island in the Bahamas. “The only rule is stay out of the gutter!” he says.
“Wait, four?” I ask mogul of mayhem Jeff Beacher as he makes his rounds among the 10 lanes. “How many people are on a team? Six?” Beacher casts his eyes skyward for a second doing the math. “So yeah, two people get f--ked.” I laugh, but I’m not surprised. With Beacher’s reputation for wild antics, stunts and general mad-hattery, nothing delights me more than his irreverent and childlike pursuit of fun. And I never found math fun either. “Four it is!” I declare and head back to my lane, where after a surprising number of strikes and spares, we are fighting the good fight. Heck, at Lucky Strike’s grand opening I bowled a 122 with a floor-length dress on and a fair number of cocktails in.
In the end, Danielle bowls with smooth delivery to a final score of 104; Justin “The Blazer” and Aaron both show the gutter who’s boss (Aaron: “He knows now!”) with 114 and 117, respectively; whatever Colton may lack in bowling prowess he makes up for in wit, and though he says he missed his goal of breaking 100, he reaches it; I rack up a few X’s myself and somehow arrive back at 122 again; and finally, Matt—like the tortoise who beat the hare—“Slowly Roller” whoops all of our butts and tops out with 124. But no matter, we still lose to the Ad Dudes, 712-681.
“Weiner?” they say, offering me one of the stubby little balloon animals and perhaps a little cloaked condescension. No, but I’ll take a rematch!