• Nap.
• Slip out of one movie theater and into another. Back-to-back movies.
• Nap again.
• Mow (somebody’s) lawn with a push mower. Snap a pop-top on a can of cold Pabst. Fire up a barbecue, and admit it: Suburbia ain’t the worst thing ever.
• Air Supply (May 24, the Orleans). We dare ya. Little River Band (May 26, the Silverton). Double dare ya.
• Picasso—now there’s a dude who knew how to rattle some cages. See a selection of his ceramics starting May 25 in the Bellagio Gallery of Fine Art.
• Show some love for Vegas crooner Clint Holmes as he premieres his new autobiographical musical, Just Another Man, at the Judy Bayley Theatre before it heads across the Atlantic for a residence in London. Performances run June 1 through 24 at the Judy Bayley Theatre. Times and days vary. www.clintholmes.com
• As a Las Vegas media outlet we’re contractually obligated to plump for The Killers’ show June 1, outdoors at the Hard Rock Hotel.
• Snap those fingers. The Jazz Fest on Saturday, June 2, at 2 p.m. at the West Las Vegas Arts Center is free. Freddie Jackson, Russ Freeman, Nathan Tanouye, the Las Vegas Jazz Connection, The Cunninghams, Las Vegas Jazz Express and Lindell Blake.
• See The Hold Steady at Beauty Bar on June 3.
• Skateboard. Test the bounds of your health insurance.
• Find out just how many movies you can see in one day at the city’s premier film festival, CineVegas, June 6-16 at the Brenden Theaters inside the Palms.
• Be gay. Summer is the gayest season of all. Belt out “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun” at the True Colors tour. Cyndi Lauper, Erasure, Debbie Harry, The Dresden Dolls, The Gossip, The MisShapes and host Margaret Cho celebrate the inaugural concert in support of the Human Rights Campaign. The 15-city nationwide tour kicks off Gay & Lesbian Pride Month on June 8 at Las Vegas’ MGM Grand Garden Arena.
• Get your freak on with Morrissey June 9 at the Pearl.
• Freak Morrissey—catch Bill Frisell at Jazz in the Park, June 9 at the Clark County Amphitheatre.
• Take a long, long shower.
• Shop for junk. Roam the air-conditioned swap meet. Don some Bermudas, flip-flops and a tank top, and take a handful of cash to the Fantastic Indoor Swap Meet. Knickknacks! Popcorn! Brass knuckles! Fake IDs! Tasers! Nevada’s largest swap meet boasts 700 booths. 1717 South Decatur Blvd.
• Have a garage sale. There’s no better way to ensure that a bunch of talkative old people come to your house at 7 a.m. to spirit away your junk.
• Get your Gilligan on in a genuine hammock. Read paperback best-sellers by the likes of Mary Higgins Clark or Michael Connelly in the shade, drinking lemonade with a fresh sprig of mint.
• Think about global warming.
• Melt your brain in a new way: the second annual Fire Fest metal, grindcore and hardcore music festival June 14 and 18. If seeing extreme music’s finest groups—Phobia, Ion Dissonance, Necrophagist, Horse the Band, Decapitated, Cephalic Carnage and Cattle Decapitation—inside the Fort Cheyenne Casino, which is situated in one of Las Vegas’ most dodgy of neighborhoods, appeals to you, now’s your chance.
• See The Police, reunited, performing June 15, live with special guest Fiction Plane at the MGM.
• Just keep your ’80s pants on and stay at the MGM for the next day’s old-school concert, Roger Waters, June 16.
• Put your butt in the bleachers. Take in a baseball game. Las Vegas 51s vs. Colorado Springs Sky Sox. June 19, June 20, June 21, June 22.
• Sit in a chillily air-conditioned, dark sports bar in the afternoon and drink very cold Blue Moon. Chat up your bartender. Shoot pool.
• Nap.
• Make someone else feel the heat. Bitch about the government. Prepare a long, informative anti-everything speech. Go to the Las Vegas City Council meeting. (June 20, City Council Chambers, 7 p.m.) Stand and deliver.
• Or stand and go: $65 will get you a long glide up the Strip on a Las Vegas Segway tour. Segway: those adorable upright personal travel thingies. Zoomy, fun.
• Fire up barbecue, test bounds of health insurance.
• Grease up your hair, juice up your hot rods and prepare for all things psychobilly. San Francisco’s Tiger Army takes stage at the House of Blues June 23 for the release of their new album, Music From Regions Beyond. Especially good for those who idolize Bettie Page, Elvis or Carl Perkins—and who doesn’t?
• From psychobilly to summer pickin’: Learn to pick the guitar. Or, your teeth, with a blade of grass.
• Attend the June 30 gun show at the Cashman Center and hang with a few thousand fun-lovin’ friends of the Second Amendment. If nothing else, you may score a “Where’s Lee Harvey Oswald When We Need Him?” T-shirt, which you can wear with total irony or complete sincerity, depending on the redness or blueness of your state of mind.
• Slip on the tangerine Speedo and hit Tao Beach, or Mandalay Bay’s beach, or Bare, or Rehab.
• Cannonball.
• Love your country. See the Star-Spangled Spectacular with the Las Vegas Philharmonic on July 4 at Hills Park. Concert, fireworks, picnics. Summer.
• Love your country in a slightly different, more bellicose way: with Lewis Black, July 5 at the MGM Grand.
• Feel your free soul. See Mary J. Blige at the Joint on July 14.
• Waste time.
• Make no excuses.
• Cha-cha into the International Bellydancing Convention, July 30 at the South Point hotel-casino.
• Rebel. Release your inner ska fan. Reel Big Fish and Less Than Jake, two of the few bands surviving from the late-’90s ska revival, blow their horns and rebel with friends Against All Authority and Streetlight Manifesto August 5 at the House of Blues.
• Read magazines. Because it’s just too damn hot for a whole book.
• Eat watermelon outside, barefoot. Spit.
• Hitchhike to Beatty. Road trip to Pahrump. Be in awe of the large, flat, scalding hot, scorched desert you live in.
• Try to determine who has the best frozen custard; Sheridan’s, on South Eastern between St. Rose and Horizon Ridge; or Luv-It, on Oakey and the Strip. This may take all summer. (The winner: Sheridan’s.)