The Help Desk

Where we sort it all out for you

1. College presidents oppose plan to arm faculty. “You can revoke my tenure when you pry it from my cold, dead hands!”

2. Pamela Anderson gets LV marriage license. Speaking of non-tenure-track positions ...

3. New law prevents aiming laser pointers at planes. Next thing you know, we won’t be able to shoot at them, either.

4. Leaden LV performance costs Britney lucrative tour deal. At least she can spend more time with her kids.

5. City may help fund strip club’s sign spruce-up. It’s about time those politicians started serving their constituency!

6. Fremont metered parking now free after 6 p.m. rather than 8. In related news, Downtown hookers raise prices by 50 cents.

7. R-J editor says newspapers must survive as a “great source for political and social redress.” How this involves R-J remains unclear. (That’s right, we went there!)

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