Las Vegas is accustomed to having the suddenly wealthy—lottery winners, Bush-era hedge-fund greed-heads and the like—show up on its doorstep, eager to blow some of that heaped-up cash on serious get-down party action. So it’s a good bet we’ll be seeing Trouble soon—“Trouble” being the name of the late Manhattan real estate mogul Leona Helmsley’s pet dog. The lucky pooch was just left a cool $12 million share of the estate of the so-called “Queen of Mean”—though of course, Leona’s urban land-baron rival Donald Trump couldn’t resist sticking it to her one more time: “That dog was the only one who loved her and deserves every penny of it.”
Trouble deserves a good time as well, but it’s doubtful she got many fun tips from her deceased owner. To help Trouble out, here’s a To Do List for the Newly Wealthy Canine, to look over while riding in the limo from McCarran Airport:
1) Form an instant posse by adopting all the mutts at the animal shelter; take ’em en masse to Rehab. When criticized for referring to all the females as “bitches,” look puzzled and say, “Dude, that’s what they are.”
2) Hit the Strip, get seriously drunk and pee anywhere you want to, right in public. When confronted by casino security, just say, “Bite me. Better yet, let me bite you.”
3) Hire all NFL players in trouble with the law, match ’em against each other in cage fights. Drown the ones who don’t win.