You're at a stoplight. It turns green, and you hit the gas.
Just as your make your way through the intersection, a guy in a striped shirt comes running across the road right at your car, waving his hands frantically.
You hit the brakes, and roll down the window, obviously a little angry, and somewhat confused.
"What's the big idea, man? Come on, I'm in a hurry. Get out of the road," you tell the guy.
"I'm sorry, sir," he replies, "but just before the light turned green, that woman in the blue Toyota in the westbound turn lane called for a timeout. You're gonna have to go back and go through the intersection all over again."
You're incensed. "How can she call a time out?" you ask.
"Any driver or passenger can call a timeout before the light changes. That's the rule," he replies. "Now please put your car in reverse and go back."
****
You have to give Oakland Raiders coach Lane Kiffin credit for at least paying attention. Two weeks ago, as the Raiders were lining up to attempt a gain-winning field goal in overtime, Denver coach Mike Shanahan called a timeout just before the ball was snapped.
The referee ran in from the sidelines as fast as he could, but because Shanahan waited until the last possible moment, the ball was snapped and Sebastian Janikowski kicked the ball -- right through the uprights. However, since the timeout was granted, the Oakland kicker had to try again -- and his second attempt hit an upright. Denver rallied to win the game.
Last week against Cleveland, the Raiders were on the other side of the same situation in the waning seconds -- the Browns were lining up to try a game-winning field goal.
Just before the snap of the ball, Kiffin called a timeout. Again, the referee ran on the field, but by then Cleveland kicker Phil Dawson had already launched his kick -- right down the middle. But he, too, would have to repeat the play -- and his follow-up attempt was blocked, preserving Oakland's two-point win.
****
You're in the delivery room.
After hours of pregame contractions, your wife is facing a first-and-10 situation: First push at 10 centimeters. It's game time for the new parents.
But just as the doctor, um, gets under center, a man barges into the room at full speed, blowing his whistle and stepping between the doctor and your wife.
"Sorry, sir, but the receptionist called a time out. Your mother-in-law wants to see how things are going."
Your wife, unaware of this anyone-can-call-timeout-at-the-last-second rule, is livid, despite the epidural.
"This is YOUR fault," she yells at you, and when you politely point out that it's her
mother that is causing the delay, it only makes it worse. You were warned many times that at this crucial stage of the game, everything is your fault. In a panic, you buzz the nurse's desk and ask to challenge the call, but it's too late.
****
The problem -- assuming you are of the opinion that this rule isn't a good one -- is that there's no easy solution, aside from perhaps implanting a device in each football that allows the referee to press a button and have it explode when a team calls a timeout. (Practical, no, but it would be fun to watch, wouldn't it?)
Maybe they can amend the rule to address some situations. If the clock isn't running before a play, teams have to call a timeout before the teams lines up in a valid formation or the refs don't blow the whistle and the play stands.
Otherwise, prepare for this to become common practice. Thankfully, it doesn't really apply to other real-life situations. Otherwise ...
****
You've just been read your last rites and have been told to make a fist. The state administers the "cocktail" of lethal drugs into your arm, and just as the needle is removed, you see a man heading your way, yelling and waving, saying something about a pardon and the governor.
You try to make out what else he says, but suddenly, you aren't feeling so good ...
****
The celebrity picks:
Lance Burton, Monte Carlo headliner
(4-4-1)
Packers -2 at Vikings
Cardinals +6 at Steelers
Patriots -7 1/2 at Bengals
****
Anthony Crivello, star of "Phantom - The Las Vegas Spectacular"
(5-2-2)
Jets -3 1/2 at Bills
Steelers -6 at Cardinals
Patriots -7 1/2 at Bengals
****
Danny Gans, Mirage headliner
(4-3-2)
Texans -3 at Falcons
Cowboys -12 1/2 vs. Rams
Patriots -7 1/2 at Bengals
****
Oscar Goodman, mayor of Las Vegas
(7-1-2)
Packers -2 at Vikings
Steelers -6 at Cardinals
Patriots -7 1/2 at Bengals
****
Hans Klok, Planet Hollywood headliner
(6-2-1)
Ravens -4 1/2 at Browns
Steelers -6 at Cardinals
Patriots -7 1/2 at Bengals
****
Wayne Newton, "Mr. Las Vegas"
(1-5-3)
Vikings +2 vs. Packers
Dolphins -3 1/2 at Raiders
Patriots -7 1/2 at Bengals
Penn & Teller, Rio headliners
(6-3)
Eagles -2 1/2 at Giants
Jets -3 1/2 at Bills
Patriots -7 1/2 at Bengals
****
Rita Rudner, Harrah's headliner
(6-2-1)
Steelers -6 at Cardinals
Packers-Vikings over 38
Patriots-Bengals under 53