Some (belated) New Year’s resolutions
In honor of starting a brand New Year I would like to share my New Year’s resolutions for 2008. But before you get too excited -- wondering in what ways an opinionated, workaholic like me may be reforming this year -- these are resolutions for other people. Gratitude is unnecessary, my friends, as my reward is in the giving.
To: Britney Spears
Resolution:
Keep doing what you’re doing.
I could try to give you some advice; something to help turn your life around and capitalize on the success you’ve worked your whole life to build … but everyone else already is and you could care less. So if you’re going to keep on, full steam ahead -- just make sure you wreck in Las VegaS. At least somebody should benefit from your antics. Oh, and Lynn? Lynn Spears? Stop having kids.
To: NBC
Resolution:
Apologize to America for American Gladiators.
Not only did you fail to re-invent a show (“re-inventing” involves “inventing” something) but your scripted attempts at a live show are insulting and lame. And the part about the contestant whose mom used to chase him with a belt is just plain weird.
To: My Ex-Roommate
Resolution:
Jump off a freaking bridge.
I now have to close every single one of my bank accounts, call 500 different fraud departments, and remember that you have a copy of everything that’s ever been on my computer. Seriously, freaking kill yourself because you are of zero benefit to society.
To: Ellen DeGeneres
Resolution:
When on television, act like it.
Listen: I don’t know what else was going on in your life when you had that on-screen meltdown about the little lap dog, “Iggy,” but now the world knows you’re not right. Whether you think we’re so stupid that we’d assume a reaction like that is normal, or, you simply don’t care, you have a television show. You are an actor. So “act” happy, not crazy, during your little hour. You have 23 other hours to fill with crazy.
Precocious entrepreneur, workaholic and a rabid perfectionist Crystal Starlight knows a thing or two about getting ahead at a young age. Email her at [email protected]