A&E

[Confessions of a Showgirl]

A showgirl’s guide to perfect bliss

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Maren Wade

Lately, I’ve been searching for a deeper meaning. Don’t get me wrong, I love money and jewelry, but those are all material things. Plus, I don’t have any. I got to thinking that there has to be something larger out there, a greater destiny to fulfill. Then just like that, I had a vision. I realized what I was missing. I was meant to be on a billboard!

I experienced some inner peace just from knowing my true purpose. It was still a mystery as to how to achieve my path to perfect bliss, though. Time to seek the wisdom of someone who had made the journey before me. I needed someone who could offer me guidance and clarity, a guru. But not just any guru—I needed the best. So I traveled 40 days and 40 nights, over the river and through the woods, climbing mountains and running through valleys to meet with my guru, Shellee Renee.

Okay, I have a confession to make. It was more like 40 minutes down the 15 all the way to the Four Seasons Hotel, but on a very high floor, the penthouse. And if that had been a mountain, it would have been scary steep. Anyway, after a long journey, I was ready to receive the teachings of my showgirl guru.

You may know Shellee as third from the right in the iconic Crazy Girls ad campaign. You know, the one with the seven beautiful, scantily clad showgirls with their backs to the audience. They were accompanied with the caption “No Ifs Ands or ...” Her back end was famously on every billboard and taxicab in the city. For a showgirl, that’s the Holy Grail!

After serving some tea, Shellee recounted her epic journey to the billboard state of bliss. She warned that this path can come with a downside. Then told me about the time she hit rock bottom. (Well, not exactly a rock bottom.)

She was on her way to the Crazy Girls Theater to perform, like on any other day. She was running late. (You ever notice how it’s always when you’re running late that another vehicle cuts you off or you end up stopped at an unusually long stoplight? The stoplights in this town need to be sped up. Who do I take this up with? On the other hand, I guess if I’m going to be on billboards and taxicabs, it will be good if people have longer to look. I’m so conflicted.)

Back to Shellee. A cab cut her off. She was about to slam on the brakes when she had an out-of-body experience. It was as though she was looking at herself from behind. But in this case, she was looking at her behind from, well, behind. There she was, third from the right! The cab that cut her off had the Crazy Girls poster displayed on the back. She felt pride and exhilaration followed by shock and terror. She was about to rear end ... her own rear end. There was nothing she could do. The point of contact was inevitable. A second later, she had plowed right through her bottom. It was a tragedy. Forget about her car, she had ruined her own ad!

It was karma. Or maybe it was irony, or a coincidence. Anyway, the point is the danger of driving while admiring yourself is very real and has to be avoided at all costs.

She served some more tea, then imparted some final words of wisdom. “Wherever you go, there you are.” (I’m still trying to figure that one out.) “Never get behind your own behind.” But most importantly, "Do not be too obsessed with your own image.” (I assume she meant only while operating a motor vehicle.)

Our seminar was coming to a close for the day, and my showgirl guru had to meet with another student. Before she left, she had a vision. “I’m seeing energy,” she said, “a yin and yang, electrons flowing ...” Suddenly it all became clear. I don’t know why I didn’t see it before!

Happiness can’t be found on some paper poster hanging on cabs and billboards. A showgirl needs to embrace the now. I have to appear in an online publication ... weekly ... from Las Vegas! I wonder how I can pull that off?

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